We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
