I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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