so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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