I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
