I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
