it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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