I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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