There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
