Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
