Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
