Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
