how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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