I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
