he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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