the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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