Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
this just has baby written all over it
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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