I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
