I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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