Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
