i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
