May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
