I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
