thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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