The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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