Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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