We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
