6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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