I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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