I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
