guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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