I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
