he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
