I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
