I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
