you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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