Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
