Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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