omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
