you mean i was at the winter classic?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
