found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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