And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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