i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
