The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
