I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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