Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
