you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
