You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
