why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
