: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
