did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
