i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
